


Incompetent, Irrelevant, and Immaterial.

by Only_In_December



Category: Perry Mason - All Media Types
Genre: But I'm not sorry, Gen, Hamilton Burger appreciation, Hamilton Musical is referenced, Hamilton is having a rough day, It's kinda cheesy, Modern AU, Perry is mainly referred to as Mason, as a joke, it's tough bein' Burger, no beta we die like men, there are hamburger jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27039724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Only_In_December/pseuds/Only_In_December
Summary: Hamilton Burger is having a terrible, horrid day. And it's only 7:30. And oh, would you look at that. Mason's on the news. (Again.) After beating him. (Again.) What could make this any worse?Alternatively titled, "Hamilton Burger and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day."
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Incompetent, Irrelevant, and Immaterial.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Deaths_mortal_enemy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deaths_mortal_enemy/gifts).



> I will admit, that I don't know an awful lot about Perry Mason. But I have always enjoyed Hamilton Burger. So when my friend asked me to write a fic about him, I said yes. I did do a little "research" into the show and books before/while writing this, but Hammy as a character isn't super 'important'. So there's quite a bit of headcanon going into this. Also, it's set in a non-Covid-Modern-AU, because I don't want to write about the 1930s-60s. I think that's all I have to say on that. I hope you like it!
> 
> (I know nothing about lawyers. So if you are a lawyer, please don't hate me. I am clueless. I'm sorry.)

Hamilton Burger was already having a terrible day, and it was only 7:30am. First his upstairs neighbors decided to throw a rave at 1:00am, which resulted in a pounding headache for him, and then the cops were called, and he didn’t end up getting back to sleep until after 2:45. As if _that_ weren’t bad enough, he ended up sleeping in until 5:30, so now he was late. And _then_ , he stepped in a mud puddle on his way to the little cafe he usually goes to. _Then,_ on top of _all_ that, at the cafe, there was Mason on the news for winning another case. (Which just so happened to be against Hamilton himself.) The barista stood there making heart eyes at the lawyer on the screen, it took Hamilton several moments just to get her attention so he could order. And then the barista had the nerve, the very _nerve_ to say to him “isn’t Perry Mason just the best lawyer in the _whole_ city? We’re so lucky to have him here.” Hamilton didn’t dignify that with a response, he just gave the barista a dirty look, and paid for his black coffee and walked out. He had three different cases to go over at work, and one of them just happened to be against _him._ So yeah. This was _not_ shaping up to be his best day.

By the time he made it into the office, he was in a perfectly sour mood. And look at that. Deborah, his secretary, was mad at him. The musical Hamilton (which she knew he despised with a passion) was loudly playing, the Mason interview was playing on mute, and the infamous **“BURGER BEATS MASON”** paper was in a new frame that had LED lights. He didn’t want to deal with all that at that very moment. So he just walked straight into his office, and completely ignored it when Deb turned the volume up. Hamilton took a drink of his now cool coffee, and sighed. This was going to be a _long_ day.

As Hamilton looked over his case against Mason, he noticed all the places Perry would poke at. All the little loopholes he would squeeze through. And he couldn’t help but shudder. He and Mason weren’t friends, not even close. But they were colleagues of sorts. Colleagues in law. When Mason would prove his client’s innocence, Hamilton was actually relieved nine times out of ten. He’d much rather prosecute the guilty party rather than an innocent one. But every time Mason proved his client’s innocence, it just drove another stake into Hamilton’s career. The public seemed to constantly ignore all the cases Hamilton won. All the times he was right, in favor of the times he lost to Mason. He was almost a meme at one point. And it was starting to drive him insane. He put his head in his hands and sighed. What did he ever do to the citizens of LA, to make them hate him so much? Actually, scratch that. He didn’t want to know. Not if it meant that he was just a generally easy to hate guy. If it meant that he really was just that awful. He couldn’t catch a break.

The case against Mason was going to be tough. Sure there was plenty of evidence against the defendant, but it was Perry Mason. He was nothing if not resourceful, he’d manage to find _something_ to prove that his client was innocent. Mason rarely had a guilty client. Hamilton couldn’t think on that though, he needed to think about the evidence, what did he have that would prove guilt? Could he prove that this woman killed a man?

The case almost felt cut and dry at first glance. A woman (Sybil MacBride) killed her husband’s brother (Chester MacBride) in a fit of rage, after a loud public argument. She stabbed him in the chest, twice. Her fingerprints were on the murder weapon, she was the last person seen with him, it was her letter opener that killed him. Simple. Easy to prove. Except that it was mostly circumstantial. And Mason would use that. He loved when it was all circumstantial. Hamilton hated it.

* * *

By lunchtime at around 12:45, Hamilton had come up with strong arguments for the MacBride case, thought of as many arguments that Mason would use as he could, _and_ managed to calm down Deb enough that she turned off that infernal musical. It wasn’t perfect by a long shot, but it was a start.

He decided to go grab lunch at a local burger joint. (Yeah, he knows all the puns. Don’t even try.) And there he was greeted by his next worse nightmare. Paul Drake. The man was draped over a chair at one of the tables, talking animatedly to someone who’s back was facing Hamilton. But he already knew that he didn’t want to know. He’d just order a burger to go, and eat at the office. Simple and easy. But no. This was Hamilton Burger’s life, nothing was ever that easy. Especially not on this day. “Why couldn’t I have been a tax attorney?” He grumbled to himself, as Paul’s eyes met his.

“Well, look at that! Hammy!” Paul sauntered over to where Hamilton was standing in line, waiting to order. “Isn’t this some kind of cannibalism? Ham Burger getting a hamburger?” Hamilton resisted the urge to scream.

“Funny Drake. Why don’t you go back to your own lunch, and leave mine alone?” Hamilton tried to be calm and civil, but dang it. Drake was bringing up all the annoyance that still hovered inside him since that morning.

“Aww, Hammy. Did I strike a nerve? Gee man, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you don’t like those jokes.” Drake had the sense to at least sound _mostly_ apologetic.

“No Paul. I do _not_ like jokes about my name.” Hamilton did his very best to sound as civil as possible. “Now, if you’d be so kind, I’d like to get my food and leave.”

“Hey. Why don’t you join me and Perry for lunch!” Paul seemed to think that this was a good idea for some reason.

“No thank you. Mason and I actually have a case against each other coming up in a few days. So I’ll pass.” Hamilton replied with a small grin.

“Oh yeah, the MacBrides right? Good luck on that one Burger.” Was all Paul seemed to have to say on that. “I might as well head back over right? Don’t wanna keep Perry waiting.” Paul waved a small goodbye to Hamilton and sashayed his way back to his table, where Perry sat, looking over at where the other two men had been talking.

Hamilton hated his life, and his career. Sure, being one of the most successful DAs in Los Angeles was nice. But no one ever remembered that part. He tended to be overshadowed by Mason’s success as a criminal defence lawyer. What was he doing wrong? What was Mason doing right?

Hamilton sighed and rubbed his face, “Sybil MacBride, killed her brother-in-law, Chester. With the letter opener. On the fourteenth. Like a game of Clue. Except that I have to prosecute after the game is done.” He sighed again, “and the defendant has a really good attorney.” Hamilton let out a groan. This case wasn’t going to be fun.

* * *

By 7:58 that evening, he had looked over both his other cases, and as expected neither of them would be half as difficult as the MacBride case. Regardless, he put in just as much effort into those cases as he did the MacBride case. Because Hamilton Burger wasn’t a workshy man. He was rather the opposite. So he did the work, thinking of every argument and counter-argument, until he had thought of everything. Looking into every detail, no matter how small and insignificant it might seem. He was _not_ letting _any_ guilty party get away. Not this time.

He didn’t get dinner until 8:02pm, he just ordered some chinese from one of the local places for him and Deb. Nothing big, just something small since Deborah had the munchies.

As Hamilton ate his food, he looked over his paperwork that needed done after his last case, and signed all the necessary places, dotted his ‘i’s and crossed his ‘t’s.

He looked out his window at the city, the law wasn’t perfect. Far from it in some places. But even so, he believed in what he did. He would fight for justice and the law, because that was what would keep the people out there safe. This was how he protected them. Through law books and trials. He’d leave the ‘nitty gritty’ stuff to Tragg.

Hamilton heaved a sigh and went back to work. Finishing the paperwork, and getting back into the MacBride case. He’d need to be doubly prepared for this one.

* * *

The next time Hamilton checked the time it was 11:04pm. Deb poked her head into his office “Hamilton? I’m gonna get something to eat. You want anything?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. That’d be nice. Just get me whatever you’re getting. I’ll pay you back later, thanks Deb.” He looked up from the case in front of him, and gave her a half-hearted smile.

“You’re the boss. At least that’s what it says on the door. Right Hammy?” Deb gave him a teasing grin that somehow made him feel a little bit better. He grinned back.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don’t you go get us something to eat Debs?” He looked back down at his file, like he was getting back to work, waiting for her reaction. He didn’t have to wait long.

“Maybe next time I’ll make you go on the food run yeah? See how you like it bossman.” She snarked, and came uncomfortably close to flipping him off. “I’m sure Mason treats his secretaries better than this!”

“I’m sure Miss Street behaves like a respectable secretary and doesn’t mock her boss!” Hamilton shot back. Neither one could keep a straight face for long. Hamilton let out a breathy laugh, and Deb waved him off and left to get food. She’d be back soon enough, and he’d get back to work then. But he took the few minutes she was gone as his break time.

* * *

Deb got back with some greasy fast food at 11:28. She gave him a burger, some fries and a medium coffee. “I’ll be heading home soon. How late you stayin’ tonight?” She asked as she gathered her things to leave for the night.

“Probably just til midnight.” He told her, as he looked over his cases again. “Thanks again Deb. How much do I owe you?”

“Five dollars. Even.” She held out one hand, and he gave her the cash. “Pleasure doing business with you Mister Lawman.” She gave him a small wave and left for home.

“Goodnight Deb.” He waved her goodbye.

* * *

By 12:45 he realized that getting home before 1:00 was not happening. He packed up for the night, and turned off everything, _including_ the dumb new LED case Deb got for the stupid paper. He considered throwing it away, then thought better of it. (He _really_ didn’t want her playing the musical again, he was starting to learn the lyrics.) A small shudder ran through him at the thought of it. He locked up his office and left.

  
He got home at 1:18am. He huffed out a sigh, and set his alarm for 4:45, same as always, changed into his nightclothes, and climbed into bed. Hoping that _maybe_ tomorrow would go a little bit better.

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say that I'm actually pleased with how this turned out. I really hope you enjoyed this little fic about a day in the life of Hamilton Burger. Like I said before, I'm not a super huge fan of Perry Mason, but I have enjoyed the episodes that I've seen. So I hope that I did it justice. (^u^)


End file.
